Zoller Admits Fame Has Been a Burden

PBS ‘Man-Missile’ Vows to Return to the Top

A spring of setbacks have laid heavy on the man many touted to be America, or even our galaxy’s best sprinter. Plagued by tendinitis during a crucial training block, he was forced to retire to the Isle of Sauvie for a near-complete bed-rest of three weeks.

“It’s difficult, you know? Going from sprinting at 18, 19 hundred watts- to lying down for three weeks and losing all that muscle. It really puts you back, mentally. I’ve suffered some downers, really big downers- even while heavily dosing myself with uppers.”

Several other heavy blows landed early in the year: local bread maker Dave’s Killer Bread stopped producing his favourite sprouted grain loaf, Clash of the Titans was atrocious, and one of his favourite woolly socks went missing after a training camp.

“You do your best, yeah? I mean, it’s just been set-back after set-back. But you have to remember that this is just a short period in a long career. When I get back to winning 20, 30 races a year nobody’ll remember this.” He also admits the toll that fame has taken on him. “Birds, yeah? Birds and drugs, innit? All the yes-men, they change you. You start thinking you’re right about everything, and really you’re only right about most of it- yeah? But I’ve got my focus back- got my head on straight. Don’t want to let the team down- got to show their faith in me’s not mistaken. I’ll be back.”

With that, he turned away and resumed an epic God of War 3 session.